Woodland Walk

I watched the dappled sunlight
Playing through the pale brown trunks of the tall larch trees
As they strove to push their spiky canopies ever closer
To the clear blue of the late summer sky
And I felt the urge to take your hand
And share with you the magic of the moving light

I watched the pattern of the swifts
Moving in that same blue sky
Darting to and fro
As a myriad tiny flies led them in a merry dance
And my heart knew how your shining eyes
Would have danced to follow their dance

And my heart ached for times missed
And joys not shared
And my empty hand hung heavy at the end of my arm
The weight of a pendulum swinging forward, back, forward, back
In perfect time with lonely steps
Its rhythmic swing marking out
The slow passage of time until it could
Once again find its nobler purpose
To enfold your tiny hand
And raise itself to point with joy
At the countless treasures of a woodland walk

Sometimes it burns too bright

Two live terminals
Too much energy
Joined unexpectedly by a fine filament of powerful connections
Energy flows
Echoes resonate
The filament begins to glow

Current flows along the wire
Quantum packets of energy
The power of dreams, beliefs
Of experience and humour
The energy of music and of words,
Of laughs and trials shared

The silver wire glows brighter still
Light and warmth
Intense and captivating
Consuming, rejuvenating, energising
The purest light
The brightest light
A white and incandescent beam of life

And then an isolated surge
An intensity of flow too strong
A fragile channel
Glowing with intensity in a momentary vacuum

The tap of reality
On the glass bubble
The strand stretches, softens, yields
And breaks
Shining at its brightest just before it fails

And the light, so white, so true
So intense, so pure
Replaced by an all consuming absence

The blackness darker, deeper
And with unnerving permanance
Poorer than the dark that reigned
Before the richness the first gentle glow revealed


Why ask for the stars when you have the moon?
You could end up losing the moon

Skin on skin

When I die I want to hold your hand
You said


And your earnest eyes looked up and searched mine
And implored me to say that it could be so
To promise that it would be so


And a salty drop formed unbidden in mine
And rolled slowly, silently, down my cheek
Dropping to lose itself in a million other drops
In the bath of water that held you, warmed you,
Yet failed to comfort you


And I ached to find the words to still your fears
To dry your tears and soothe your pain
But not to promise what I could not know
As I recalled the promises made to me
that time went on to prove could not be so


So I told you what my heart knew to be true
That my hand would hold yours tight
And I promised I would never let you go


Then with a perception beyond your tender years
You reached into my chest
And with your words tore out my aching heart


As you laid your small, wet hand on mine
And your little voice choked on your words
'But will it be like this? Will I feel your skin with my skin?'
And the oceans of pain in your deep brown eyes
Reflected the pain of the unknown in mine
As you touched my deepest fears with your own


The fear of loss
And the pain of separation
When those you love move on beyond your reach


And I heard my voice promising what I did not know
That wherever we may be
In time or in eternity
The love that is eternal
That was here before you came and that will remain when I am gone
Will be the endless thread that joins our hearts and hands


And that you will always feel my hand on yours


The touch of skin on skin




For my 'most precious thing' - my son
For whom I know a love the like of which I have never known before
And for whom I would give my all to protect
Only he has asked me questions that I cannot answer

Still Wings

The wings don't beat


Nothing but a gentle hum
confirms our motion


And the clouds that pass beaneath
Full and fluffy in their opacity
Seduce me with the belief
That they will hold me if I fall


And yet the wings stay still
While the ground moves by below
The winding rivers
The pointing mountains
Pure and spotless in their coat of freshest snow
And little boxes, so many boxes,
All too small to see
And the screen in front that flickers and updates
To reassure with silent confirmation
That as each minute passes with the clouds
The distance bewtween us lessens


But still there is no motion in the wings
of this giant silver bird


The bird that flies me home to you

Above all guard your heart

Take care with whom you share
your thoughts and dreams
For where the heart
and mind lead
The body
often
feels an urge
To follow

Stand Off

We sit, you and I, with the silence deafening us

Thick walls built from solid justifications, shields of righteous indignation raised

Hearts ache and lips long to speak

But soft words break on barriers of impenetrable pride

Words of explanation texted

Emails full of unyielding words banged out on long suffering keyboards

Written, not spoken

To speak is to open, to invite, too vulnerable, too close

Too little time to think, to explain, to deflect

Apologies half offered, half rescinded in their qualification

The lack of understanding building impenetrable iron grills in the doorways of the fortresses of our self-belief

A desire to reach out, to put right, to understand

Swept away over and over in the raging torrent of self-justification

The silver thread of truth glinting occasionally through the seemingly unending darkness

Almost funny really in its simplicity

That two people who profess to love so much can appear to care so little

Letting go

I hold you in my hands

Like a dove longing to fly

But your wings held close to your side

I realise I can't hold on - love should let go

But how scared I am that you'll fly away

Gently, slowly, I open my hands
Releasing your wings
But you don't go

You nestle into my hands secure, knowing

that if you had to - you'd fly

In letting you go I'm pulling you closer
The freedom making it more real
Delicate, held together by strands of love
Not by the harsh fetters of insecurity

I see your eyes looking into mine
Trusting, loving
Like the sea on a calm day
Like the sky in spring
A twinkle of something to be seen
And yet not touched
A fleeting dream proved only by my memory

Your eyes search my face gently enquiring
The lightest touch of my hand in answer
To feel your arms around me again
Not to hold on but to share
A moment caught between us in the embracing of our hearts

In my quietest moments you are there
Real only to my mind - my senses numb
But when we are together
Then , my senses, wake!
Trap every moment , every smile, every silent word

1989